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How long should you stay in a sexless marriage?
Sex & Intimacy / 5:53 PM - Wednesday January 15, 2014

how long should you stay in a sexless marriage?

I have a problem with internet pornography and had lied about it to my wife a number of times. I have been working on my issues (12 step program, retreats and therapy); however, my wife and I have not had sex in 7 years. I can't even get my wife to hold my hand, rub my head, scratch my back without having to plead first (she used to do these things spontaneously). We have been married just over 13 years and have 1 one daughter and had an adopted daughter that we were not equipped to handle (due to mental issues) that we had to find a new family to raise her. I am just looking for some insight into how long I put the well being of my daughter ahead of my happiness. I have asked my wife to go to a retreat of wives of sex addicts and to go to therapy with and/or without me to no avail.

- Asked by Female, 36-45, Houston

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Wait, so with you being a lesbian, there's no way taking in this child was accidental (that is, if you really are female). Why the heck would you take in children you are not able to raise? If you have been to several retreats and still not modified your behavior, you need some serious intervention, as in one-on-one counseling to get to the source of your addiction to internet porn. If you don't do this, you will keep halfheartedly signing up for retreats without making an actual change, something that clearly your wife is able to see through and is unwilling to compromise on. If you love your wife, seek therapy.

- Response by pinkskittles722, Female, 18-21, Fitness

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Community Rating: Community Star

one day

- Response by windyday, Female, 26-28, Who Cares?

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Honestly I wouldn't have sex with a known sex addict either! Sounds as if she doesn't trust you nor will ever trust you. No amount of begging and pleading is going to change this. If you two can't work through this then it may be best to cut your losses here. Sex addiction has a way of destroying relationships!

- Response by kdtxchic30, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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You are both martyred to your daughter's "need".

What a daughter needs is a fully functional healthy vibrant loving and intimate marriage between her caretakers so she can how up knowin what she needs and deserves in her adult life.

Rethink "well being" of your daughter...

- Response by siouxzen, Female, Who Cares?, Los Angeles, Self-Employed

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I don't think it matters, after you get out of a sexless marriage you won't have sex either, so you might as well not put yourself through the trauma of divorce.

- Response by afirecracker, Female, 29-35

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Talk to your wife.
Let her know that you are considering leaving and why you are considering it.
Do it now.

- Response by roaminginsomniac, Female, 46-55, Law Enforcement

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I am not a fan of 12 step programs. Yeah 12 step programs have been heavily invested in by the vast bulk of mental health institutions in this country. That doesn't make them the most effective methodology for treating addictions. In fact they are the least effective methodology in treating addictions. And sure you now will have a bunch of people refute that info. But it's a fact. 12 step programs have efficacy in the teens while cognitive behavioral models which make you take responsibility for your thinking and actions have efficacy in the 90 percentiles.

So here's what I have to say given your post. Your wife should throw your ass out. She should have long sense put your porn addicted ass on the curb and moved on with her life. There is no real good reason for her to invest in you and YOUR problem. 12-step programs tell you that you are helpless and remove responsibility to some higher power. BULLSHIT. YOU choose and you develop a habit because you choose to the point where you alter your arousal system and your cognitive behavioral functioning.

Your wife is dragging her feet but she shouldn't. She needs to get out of shitville and move on.

- Response by joybird, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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You disgust her and she has become totally TURNED OFF to you. And, I cannot blame her. Sex addicts are a creepy lot... they are.

- Response by randyl, Female, 36-45, Los Angeles, Technical

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She is not intimate with you because you are a porn freak? What Do you realize and understand how that makes a woman feel? What does she want? What turns her on? first of all neither one of you is doing your daughter any good if you are both miserable in a cold marriage,. What kind of lessons do you want to teach your daughter about healthy relationships and marriage? Sounds like Wife needs to do something. did she ever like sex? maybe she needs to allow you some freedoms if she isnt willing to try to satisfy your needs.

- Response by friendofkarma, Female, 46-55, Artist / Musician / Writer

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which came first, the porn or the lack of sex in the marraige? my answer will depend on that

- Response by beanielou, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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If you trully really love your wife as you say? Why watch pornography of anykind? You knew it was wrong and it would hurt her. That is why you hurt her. What would therapy do but confirm what I just stated. Its a total wrap. Since its over now find a lesbian or bi-sexual woman to have sex with. Stop with the porn and maybe you can start over with someone else. Honestly, Best Wishes. NB

- Response by nomadbum, A Working Gal, Female, 46-55, Chicago, Self-Employed

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