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Should I ask my adult daughter why she doesn't call her mom or dad?
Family & Relationships / 5:43 PM - Friday February 25, 2011

Should I ask my adult daughter why she doesn't call her mom or dad?

I want to know if I should ask my daughter if there is something her dad or I have said or done to keep her from calling home? She is 30 years old and living many states away with her boyfriend. I have called her a couple of times and left messages, but she's never returned the calls.
It is almost 3 months since we've talked. I just don't think that's the way grown adult children should treat their parents. We aren't intrusive in her life but we love her, care about her, and are interested in her life. I just want to feel close to her. She is distant with everyone in the family. I would like to ask her why she is feeling this way. So far, I've just kept my mouth shut. I'm wondering if something is wrong and she doesn't want to burden us with it. Maybe nothing is wrong. She does have a job; at least, we think so. She has written me 3 emails about her job.
The boyfriend she is living with is black and she is white. I can accept this if this relationship is making her happy. I want to ask her about this, too. She has been with him for over a year now. I want to ask her if this relationship is going somewhere, etc. Should I?
Her dad does not know about this because he would not be happy with it. Yes, he is of the old school. I am a bit more open minded.
I just feel so disconnected from her. It makes me so sad. When she did email me, she always signs it, I love you! We've always had a good relationship but now since she has moved away, it's like we're not even family any more. I think when your family is living far away, a good way to connect and feel close is to call and talk with them.
She was adopted at birth and always knew this.
I'm wondering if she is having some identity crisis in her life.
I'm just really searching for why she would just not communicate with her dad and me and the rest of the family.
Any suggestions on what to say to her.
Thank you very much.

- Asked by tchur1, Female, 66 or older, St.Louis, Who Cares?

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Well.She may not be so comfrtable since Dad wouldn't approve if he knew.But I don't know why she won't call you either.I would write or call and kindly say that I don't want to interfere but I mis you and want to know how you are.There's certainly nothing wrong with asking.
It may not be what you imagine anyway.
Or, perhas(just a guerss, not suggesting this is true) maybe things aren't as OK as she had hoped but she is afraid someone will say"Aha, that's becuase of the racial difference"--which may have nothing to do with it!
But it might'nt even be that at all--you don't *know* what the answer is.
I think you can, as her mother, ask her if all is well and tell her you miss her.
Good luck.

- Response by springrain13, Female, 56-65

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she is 30 and getting on with living her life ... and her boyfriend beoing black ... well he is human isnt he what has colour got to do with anything ... oh but your husband is "old school" you mean he is ignorant about the world we live in and the fact that human beings come in all shapes sizes and COLOURS. Tell your husband about your daughters boyfriend and if you miss her sooo badly why dont you go visit them both and give them your assuance you both bless their relationship. She sounds like an independantly minded girl, one that wants to live her life how she wants to! you will loose her should you or your husband lay on her anhy negativity about her choose of partner. Racism in any form is NEVER ACCEPTABLE (youre not white catholic by any chance living in a hillbully state in the middle of nowhere you know the type whose eyes stick out like storks when they lay sight on someone who *looks* different from them)

- Response by Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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People do not do what causes them pain and unhappiness. People on the other hand DO what gives them pleasure and happiness.

I am guessing that your past behavior as parents has been overly judgmental and left her with the feeling that her relationship is not fully accepted by you. And, Oh by the way, she doesn't care! She has stopped seeking your approval.

I am afraid that what you have right now, is what you earned. She wants to make a new life for herself, where she now lives, with the man she is with, and wants no part of the world you offer her.

She does not feel close to you and that is not her fault. People cannot force feelings. Just like she cannot make her father stop being a biggot.

Leave her alone is my advice. You begin drilling her with your questions and you might not like what she has to say in response. I would leave those words unspoken and perhaps, someday in the future, her life will steer back in your direction.

- Response by randyl, Female, Who Cares?, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

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Every mother has the right to expect a phone call from her daughter now and then, unless that daughter had a terrible childhood! That doesn't seem the case here. As far as your mentioning the fact that she is in an interracial relationship, so what?. You haven't met the guy and he may be a real domineering loser, so you have a right to be concerned. That doesn't make you a racist. If he was a decent guy, he would be encouraging your daughter to invite you over to meet! This may be something else going on with her. Too many people are too quick to jump on the racist band wagon!

- Response by redcardonal, Female, 56-65

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Unfortunately, your daughter is being selfish. You're out of sight, so out of mind. She may be a bit spoiled but she will probably realize at some point that she still needs her mom. I agree with the suggestion that it wouldn't hurt to email or phone her once more to tell her that you care, and just want to know how she is. If she still doesn't respond after all your attempts, it means that something is wrong with her life and you might want to look into it further.

- Response by A Working Gal, Female, 56-65, Vancouver, Medical / Dental

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- Response by redcardonal, Female, 56-65

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