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I'm having a hard time forgiving my brother
Family & Relationships / 12:11 AM - Friday November 20, 2009

I'm having a hard time forgiving my brother

Our mother recently passed away and I discovered that a few months before she died, my brother had her sign away the majority of her estate to him. I have seen a lawyer. Since she did it during her life -- it is considered a gift. I could go to court, but it would be very expensive with little chance of success. She had brain cancer and I'm sure she did not know what she was signing. But, there is that glimmer of doubt there also. I have always been good to everyone in my family and have a clear conscience. This came as a complete shock to me and I'm extremely hurt. It has destroyed any relationship with my brother for good. My mother always said that everything would be split 50/50 and she had organized her estate for that to happen. Anyway, it is not only him cheating me out of $100,000 or so, but I found out that he sold his house a month ago and divided our mother's things without telling me or letting me help. Friends tell me to let it go -- to forgive him, but I'm having a hard time with that. I never saw this coming -- he and I always had a good relationship until my mom got sick. Forgive him? Or do you have a suggestion for some other form of revenge?

- Asked by Female, 46-55, Los Angeles, Executive

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You have no idea how many times this happens within families. I say let it go! Because it will eat you alive. You can never forget it. But you can forgive it for your own well being.

You cannot change anything that has happened. So why dwell in the past and fret over something that cannot be changed.

You must believe in KARMA now more than ever. Just allow the justice present in the universe to handle this. It really does balance itself out. Move on and pretend it never happened. Most of all, do not allow it to affect the memory of your Mother.

- Response by randyl, A Working Gal, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Your lawyer tells you that you have little chance of success? Then I would move on, but I would not forget. I have no relationship with a brother as he failed to even visit our parents in their last 3 years of life. He had "family" commitments, yet the business they gave him is less than 3 miles from their home. He charged me with "elder abuse" over $5k in money against a $1.6M estate. Cost me $10K and the estate $30K to prove him wrong. A sister promised to buy me out of a 50% inheritance of the family home if I agreed to take it in lieu of cash so that she could inherit the home. That was 2 years ago and she has still not paid me. He got $300k in cash, she is living in the $650k house and I am paying lawyers... Ain't life grand? Our parents would be turning over in their graves, except they are on the shelf in the house my sister occupies... I try to find the humor in this everyday... And if I were you, I would contest the hell out of his "influence" on Mom...

- Response by siouxzen, Female, 46-55, Los Angeles, Self-Employed

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I would let it go but never forget.

- Response by happypolar, A New Mom, Female, 26-28

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Don't do anything halfway. Either forgive him or kill him.

If you forgive him, and continue life as though nothing happened, yet being cautions of his honesty, he will eventually get the message that he has done something really wrong.

I am kidding about killing him, although it would solve the problem of revenge... except it is a long term solution to a short term problem. rek

- Response by rekkonball, A Guy Critical, Male, 66 or older, Retired

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The first thing I would do is to give your brother the chance to do the right thing, hopefully he had her sign everything over on her death bed so that he could skip the process of becoming executor. If he does not abide by your mothers wishes then I would find a way to get this in court and you better do it fast so that the courts can freeze all of her assets. Your attorney would cetainly know more than me tho you might get a second opinion but I know for a fact that she has to be in her right mind in order to make a decision like that and that could be grounds to void that agreement. You might even be able to sue for punaitve damages for such an egregious act. I'm not sure if these kinds of estate attorneys will do this but maybe you could find a lawyer that will take his fees off of your award, of course he would have to beleive strongly in the case to do that.

If he doesn't do the right thing and you are unable to remedy this in court then I would let it go as much as you can, this is up there as far as unforgivable. But I would not seek revenge cuz that will just eat you up inside. I would forgive him enough to where it doesn't eat you alive and for your mother's sake but I would not forget this and let someone like this in your life at all if he doesn't do the right thing by you and your mother. Good luck!

- Response by aron77, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 29-35, Kansas City, Student

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There's nothing like a few dollars to bring out the best in people even above such a powerful instinct as love and family.

It's a shame you couldn't have been as involved with your mom when she was alive as your brother was rhen you could have found out what was going on.;

Obviously your brother wasn't a very loving child of hers either but he was a little more cunning than you and he got in there so he could oversee her final acts.To a dying parent who probably saw their children as angels anyway that can look a lot like real love and caring.

I guess the best you can do now is consider it the price paid for not being more involved with family.

- Response by justme38271, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 36-45, Consulting

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It is truly a betrayal. You just have to let go. He took advantage of the situation and that is hurtful. You just cant do anything about it... Dont wear yourself out. Yes you have to forgive him (sorry) in order to move on and to free your spirit that has been hurt. You just know you cannot trust him so keep distance from him. He will not be able to enjoy something that did not belong to him....he will surely pay...but let life, destiny, karma or God.. (whatever you believe) take care of him.

- Response by rosybarreto, Female, 56-65, Teaching

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Revenge for what? Did you ever come to think that this is how your mother set things up before she died? I know it may come to a shock to many, but I see this all the time! Now of course she could of not know what she was signing, but then again you usually have two witnesses, a notary and an attorney present when such things are signed and if there was any question that she was incapacitated in any way they would of sworn under oath stating otherwise.

I guess for me it would all depend on my brother's attitude regarding this issue. If he's throwing it in your face that he received these extra "gifts" then I would probably be a little pissed, but if he's just accepting your mother's gifts well you really don't have a leg to stand on. Death brings out many emotions and it always amazes me how money in these situations destroy families in the end.

- Response by kdtxchic30, Female, 36-45, Dallas, Who Cares?

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put things in perspective: be grateful for the things that money can't buy instead of being miserable for what you didn't get. in the end, it's just money. he will have to live with the cowardly, deceptive things he had to do to get what he got. let it go, leave in peace, and at some point in your life you will forgive him.

- Response by sexydaze, Female, 29-35, Technical

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Life is short. Yeah your brother was wrong for what he did but you need to forgive him. Yeah you might not want to deal with anymore but let it go, it takes a lot more energy to hold on to the anger then to let it go. So let it go. Money is just money and it is more important to find some kind of peace.

- Response by debski, Female, 36-45, Detroit, Science / Engineering

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