Back to Home

Active Questions

Since December I've lived in an apt. (newly divorced).
Family & Relationships / 2:18 PM - Tuesday August 18, 2009

Since December I've lived in an apt. (newly divorced).

Because of huge boundary issues in relationships before my divorce (with a multitude of people, husband, my mom, my sister who took advantage of me), my counselor discouraged me from even giving keys to my teen/adult children until they had "proved" themselves.

For the first few months, they could not just come in my apartment unless I was here or they asked permission to come while I was gone. Things were going great, so I began to hide a key so they could come and go as they please, and it was my pleasure.

YESTERDAY, I could tell someone had been in my apt and I knew it was none of my 4 children. After a bit of research I discovered it was my ex!

(I had made it very clear to my kids not to tell anyone where that key was, including family members).

None of my children will "fess up" as to how ex discovered the key. My ex says he had to bring over some clothes for our youngest, age 15. His office is very close to her school. It was a small duffle bag, but, instead, he let himself into my apt while I was at work. I've removed the "hidden key".

Any suggestions how to deal with this? I can sense my children are a little miffed at my aggravation.

Update: August 19, 2009.
It's so interesting (and helpful) to get your responses. They had me feeling something was wrong with ME.

- Asked by gettingstronger, Female, 46-55, Teaching

Read more about the Rating System

Well, your trust has been violated---again. Your children are just not experienced enough as people to truly understand how you feel about this violation. It's pretty obvious how he got the information. How dare he act as though it's all "innocent"! He knows exactly what he was accomplishing by invading your home without telling you. Your ex is an intruder on your private space---& he knows it. Honestly, how do you know he didn't make a copy of that "hidden" key? He's devious---& you divorced him for several good reasons! Do yourself a favor & get the lock changed...& unfortunately, the kids need to understand that the PRIVILEGE of having access to that key has been revoked PERMANENTLY. Do not disappoint yourself or set them up for failure again by giving second chances. (They don't need to know it's a big deal---just do it; the key is gone & that's it.) Your ex is preying upon that sort of opportunity. He'll do anything he can, no matter how small, to drive a wedge, gain info about your private life, snoop through your things, etc. Wouldn't he be INCENSED if you did the same thing to him? You know he would. How would he feel if you snuck into his home & spied on his life? (I can see your divorce-opposing "family" members lining up in his defense right now! They would be mortified if it happened to him!) I know it's tough with 4 children in the mix, but KEEP HIM OUT. He's counting on you to CAVE IN because of them!

- Response by cressida1, Female, 36-45, Consulting

Rating Received:


It's YOUR Place, YOU should have sole control of ALL the keys. Somebody has proven untrustworthy therefore NOBODY can be trusted Period...... Sorry but that has to be the way it is in my humble opinion..... :(

- Response by undercoverguy, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45, Celebrity

Rating Received:

Community Rating: Community Star

They are miffed with you? For Christ's sake, this is a major intrustion. The ex had no business in your place. It is outrageous that he knew where the key was; it is more outrageous that he entered your place without your knowledge or permission. If the kids don't understand that, and that anger is justified, then they have little understanding of real life. The only thing that might have been amiss is your communication to them about what happened and how you feel about it. That might be an echo of your old self. Your new self has the right to be angry and lay down the law, no exceptions, end of story.

- Response by stoney07, A Creative, Male, 56-65, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


Sounds like your kids love their dad more than you

- Response by lmarks, A Life of the Party, Male, 26-28, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


Lesson learned... You can not trust them, and now you remember why. I am sorry that you are dealing with this...

- Response by siouxzen, Female, 46-55, Other Profession

Rating Received:


Oh, I think you just did what you needed to do!
Removed the hidden key.
Explain to your children why you did that and why your ex cannot long enter in your house as if it was his house. Then, they will need to prove themselves again before they know where the key is hidden this time.
Good luck!

- Response by A Working Gal, Female, 36-45

Rating Received:


i would suggest leaving the kids out of it. telling the kids to hide something from their father is not fair to them, it puts them in the position of choosing sides when the father confronts them and demands to know how they can get in.

what i would suggest you do, is talk to the ex husband, as an adult, and explain in on uncertain terms:

1. we are DIVORCED
2. you no longer have any right to be in my residence without my express permission.
3. do it again and you will be arrested for breaking and entering and trespassing.

you should not have to hide a key from him, just tell him you cannot come in and if you do you are breaking the law and will have to pay the consequence. end of story.

- Response by weekendbrew, A Jock, Male, 29-35, Miami, Technical

Rating Received:


Yes.

Change your locks and don't ever trust them with a key again. They have proven they cannot be trusted.

It's an expensive business, but to me it is your only alternative. It will be inconvenient for them, but they deserve it.

- Response by pushkins, Female, 66 or older, Miami, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


There is no way an ex should enter your home without your knowledge or permission. Your children should understand and respect he is your ex not your husband. Make it clear to your ex that it better not happen again or you will consider it trespassing. Rosey

- Response by roseytalks, Female, Who Cares?, Tampa, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


with what I remember about you posting about your ex....have someone change your locks ASAP

- Response by hotair, A Father Figure, Male, 56-65, New Orleans, Transportation

Rating Received:


If they can't be trusted to not tell dad where the key is then you can't trust them with anything. Go back to the way it was in the beginning and be sure to let them know why it has to be that way!!!!!!!!!

- Response by barbb, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


Just tell them, "no truth no more keys" see who comes forward! Also the have the locks that you can hide a key into and it locks to the door handle!!!! They are great, you can change the number when ever you want to and it can be fron a one number code to a five number code. I have one on my door knob.

- Response by loseing, A Guy Critical, Male, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


Oh
My
GOD!!!

That is totally WRONG!!!

Very easy to deal with...,
Let everyone know that you no longer want ANYONE to have access due to the key incident!! Also, let them know that "unless" the person who betrayed your trust and "The Rules" comes forward emergency access will only be obtained through escorted assistance by the apartment management or they will have to WAIT!!!

I would leave the extra key with a fellow co-worker or friend who is close but, not to far away!

Sorry for your setback! I've been there. You have to be strict and stand your ground. No matter the hurt or distance!

- Response by heathergabrielle333, Female, 36-45, San Antonio, Self-Employed

Rating Received:


PLEASE
Cheange your locks NOW
You have to much bad history with him to trust that he did not allready make a copy of your key!
Do a check of all windows and such too!!

Get back to that comfort zone again.


- Response by seasons4, Female, 46-55, Milwaukee, Financial / Banking

Rating Received:


It's very simple: You tell your kids someone told dad about the key (unless you put it in a really easy to find place and he just figured it out) and that you are sorry but you just can't let this happen anymore. They are going to have to only go there when you are there. Another option is to have another set-up, like a friend of yours (but not your ex's) who has a key that they can get it from and return it to.

The kids who did not tell dad are going to be miffed, that's life. The may not even had told dad there was a key but mentioned going there when you are not there and he was able to figure out where the key is. In this case, either you can trust your kids with keys of their own (probably not, your mentally-sick ex could get them or coerce the kids into letting him in) or you can't.

I'm sorry this happened, he is such a creep.

- Response by beadcrazy, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


They're miffed????? You trusted them and someone broke that trust. You've had a long and rocky break from your ex, you need to look out for yourself first and foremost. Apparently one of your children didn't understand that or else you have one manipulative ex. Change the locks and unless they fess up no one gets a key. For safety purposes, maybe leave a key with a trusted friend or neighbor who you know won't tell or give it to your ex.

- Response by lioness21, Female, 26-28, Consulting

Rating Received:


If the kids are miffed, they are the ones who told him where the key was. They disrespected you by not asking first. He disrespected you also by not asking if he could enter your home. He still has it in his mind that you are his wife with no rights. You will need to address this with him and let him know that he chose to no longer be a part of your household the minute he signed the divorce papers and made the decision to see someone else. The children need to realize this too and maybe they need to be part of a civil discussion with he and you so that they understand the boundaries too. Tell him to give you a key to his home and see his reaction. Tell him you need to leave the kids clothes there as well. Watch his reaction. The children are just that and they need to learn that they are unexperienced at relationships and they must respect you both equally. They need to butt out. Don't leave a hidden key anymore and let them know that they have relinquished this right. If you intend to re-hide a key make them earn it. I hope this helps.

- Response by roniroca, Female, 46-55, Denver, Self-Employed

Rating Received:


Your ex had no business whatsoever to enter your domicile. Change the lock and do NOT issue ones to the kids until the learn that you are serious about this.
As for your ex, tell him the next time he enters your apt without your consent you are willing to file a restraining order against him
As for the kids? tell them to suck it up...they were WRONG!

- Response by Female, 46-55, Artist / Musician / Writer

Rating Received:


Since it is YOUR apartment and YOUR rules, your children need to realize that they not only put you at 'risk', they also revoked the trust you had in them to make the 'right' choice in keeping that 'hidden' key hidden...speaking from experience, I had an ex who was very 'aggressive' in trying to get me back and short of nearly shooting him when he came into my house one night, I actually had to threaten him with a bat one night because he wouldn't leave and he kept trying to tell me that I could never get away from him(and I had a restraining order on him!!)...you need to keep yourself 'safe' and if that means taking the key away and not giving it to ANYONE then that's what you have to do and since he was able to get into your apartment, it might be best to change the locks and make sure that he won't EVER be able to get in again...if anyone should be 'miffed', it should be YOU because the children put your lives at risk...:D

- Response by fastball, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Student

Rating Received:


Your children, and you know which one, doesn't respect your boundaries. They have seen you go through your own person "HADES" and still they told their father how to invade your privacy once more. Unfortunately, it's too late to re-raise them, so you have to protect yourself for yourself. The "hidden key" is a nice metaphor for what you have lived. The hidden key is your salvation and freedom. It's the key to unlock the strong person who you are.

Let your children be miffed. They will get over it. They should be miffed at themselves, in my opinion. When you lived at home, and your ex would yell at you, I remember you saying that they would tell you that it was no big deal and you shouldn't be upset. Maybe they will learn that they shouldn't take you for granted. That's my wish.

- Response by rhunt0210, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45, Other Profession

Rating Received:


Well, you may want to change the locks as he could have had time to make a copy.

- Response by boggob, A Guy Critical, Male, 29-35, Political / Government

Rating Received:


That's dead wrong. Change the locks immediately and no one else gets a copy...no extras, no nothing. They will have to wait for you to be home to again access to the apartment.

- Response by cocoacurevelous, Female, 36-45, Administrative

Rating Received:


ask him for a key to his place, car, etc... see if he likes it*

- Response by osieboo, Female, 46-55

Rating Received:


Jeez, that sucks. As sad as it is, everybody has to go back to square one now. Your kids have to understand that you are serious about the whole boundary/trust thing as far as who has access to your home.

As far as I can tell, your kids have NO reason to be uspet. They violated your trust, not the other way around, and I would be sure to tell them so if they give you attitude about it.

- Response by rokitman, A Creative, Male, 29-35, Political / Government

Rating Received:


I agree with others who've said have the lock(s) rekeyed. Odds are he made a copy for himself. Depending on the lock it often can be done very easily at like Home Depot. Just disassemble the lock mechanism from the door and bring it to the store. (Do be sure to give the landlord a copy of the new key - maybe tell them your situation and they'll help out). None of the kids may have said anything, he may have just observed them after dropping them off sometime before and seen where they got the key from to get in, or known they knew where a hidden key was and known here to look.

- Response by grinandbareit, A Life of the Party, Male, 46-55, Administrative

Rating Received:


I am very sorry about that intrusion! PERHAPS your children did not TELL him where the key was hidden, but your ex may have asked them 'certain' questions like; What do you do when mom is not home yet, do you just sit outside waiting. Him merely asking the right questions, they may have unknowningly gave him ALL the info he needed. Living in an apartment, looking around is all your husband needed to do, to find the hidden key. They MAY have no reason to 'fess up', please give them a reasonable doubt for not confessing, BUT do change the locks! Being that your ex wrongly intruded your place, he might also be the type to have gone and made a copy, which would only take a few minutes at a local hardware store. Stay strong, stay safe and God Bless you Sharon!

Take care,
Cindy

- Response by 1pghpafemale, Female, 36-45, Pittsburgh, Artist / Musician / Writer

Rating Received:


Change the lucks imediately! he for sure made a copy, and left the spare key there.. change locks today and never, never leave a spare key hidden...that spells trouble for intruders even other strangers!!

- Response by abcgirl, Female, 26-28, Other Profession

Rating Received:


Only way to deal is change the lock and start all over. I had to do this because an ex got my mother to give him my extra keys and he made copies and then came in and out snooping around at will. I don't see why your children are miffed. They should realize no one should come in and out unless you okay it. It is your domain after all.

- Response by dreamdancer, Female, 29-35, Houston, Other Profession

Rating Received:


If your kids live with their father then they don't need a key to your apartment. Obviously they have no bounderies and it's has always been clear your ex husband has none. Toughen up and understand divorce requires tough choices.



- Response by atticus, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Atlanta, Managerial

Rating Received:


Bottom line, you never trust children or teenagers as they will take advantage. And it happened here. Further, they have to choose between parents at times and this may have been one of those times.

Have your locks changed in the event the ex took the key and got a duplicate made.

Lastly, who cares if your children are "miffed". YOU'RE THE PARENT. These are not your "friends". They are your children who need discipline and you need to maintain you are the parent. So, stop with the "caving" into the crap they feed you to make you doubt yourself, feel bad or guilty. YOU'RE THE PARENT and you need to keep the upper hand.

Bill Cosby said it best on his show, The Cosby's. As Dr Huxtuble: "This is MY house. I worked hard and paid for it, not you. You just live here temporarily."

- Response by msadvise, Female, 46-55, Transportation

Rating Received: