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Why Do I Always End Up As A Fuck Buddy?
Sex & Intimacy / 7:58 AM - Wednesday August 08, 2007

Why Do I Always End Up As A Fuck Buddy?

I haven't been in a committed and monoamous relationship in 3 years, but I've been the regular friend with benefits of 4 men since then. 4 men I would have happily had as boyfriends, but for some reason couldn't see me as anything more than a sex object, and one that was too good to let go of, but they just didn't see enough in me to make me a girlfriend.

Am I doing something wrong? Maybe having sex too soon or something? I like to think of myself as a catch. I'm smart, well-read, a patron of the arts, I cook and bake, play video games, like baseball. What's the deal? I'm tired of being relegated to plaything status.

- Asked by scantron, Female, 29-35, Technical

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Yes you are doing a few things wrong.

First, if these men were around 25 or younger they are not probably not ready for real relationships, but are more driven by a desire for sex.

Second, you allowed them to set the rules of the relationship, so they got what they wanted and not you. Do not give them sex until they commit to you into a real relationship. A man in love with a woman will wait forever to get her in bed, no matter how sexual a being he is, a man wanting a sex relationship will not last 6 months.

Third, the sooner sex enters a relationship the more the relationship becomes just about sex and the less possible it is to grow the trust, friendship, and communication needed for a real relationship.

If you do not want to be a play thing, then you have to set the rules. No sex without a commitment (to being exclusive). No sex without being companions. And when they start to treat you wrong, you call them on it and do not let them get away with it.

We show and teach others how to treat us, so decide what you want and set the tone.

- Response by falconf1, A Father Figure, Male, 46-55, Ottawa, Who Cares?

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Everyone is SO HUNG UP on the whole "why buy the cow/free milk" premise.
It's NOT that you "gave" them sex and therefore they aren't committing. Please. If a man really adores the woman he's having sex with, he will commit to her. If all women withheld sex until the man committed, then we'd make liars out of all men.

You are simply being out there, doing your best, and haven't found a guy who adores you - yet. But you will. You are a catch, and you're attracting men - a very good sign. You just haven't met him YET.

I've been in your shoes, too - and when I wanted to find something meaningful, I withdrew, did some soul searching, and held off on sex. NOT because I think withholding sex "makes" a man commit. Give men more credit; men who want a longterm relationship are looking for more than sex. But I withdrew just to "emotionally de-clutter" and get centred, and for me to do that, I needed to be alone for a while. Then he came along.

Continue meeting men, and getting to know them. You will find him.

- Response by sakura1, A Single Gal, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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Community Rating: Community Star

you will continue being one as long as you allow it, focus on gaining your self respect. if there is one of these guys that you really like and have a geniune interest in, pulling away and not having sex, getting to know each other, is a really good way to actually form a friendship. It's hard to imagine even the potential of a relationship if you aren't friends first. If you have nothing to build on but the physical, chances are you will never have anything concrete to stand on.

- Response by virgomama, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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The plaything status was your choice, and to be or not to be is also again your choice, you look cute hence make a nice sex object, as you say you are smart, you can anytime walk away and begin a new chapter in your life where there is commitment and trust

- Response by jayeshdewana, A Life of the Party, Male, 46-55

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Unless you are dating these men, stop giving them sex. They are the only ones receiving any "benefits" and you end up without a boyfriend in the end. You let these guys take what they wanted from you without the commitment, they must have been thrilled! You're a smart woman, lose these guys and wait for the one who wants you for more than just "benefits".

- Response by stacerpacer, Female, 36-45, Chicago, Self-Employed

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You look like ideal dating materail, however I get the feeling your short on confidence. Did you ever think (have the courage to ask these boyfriewnds of your why they were prepared to have regulare sex with you but could not see you as a partner perhaps long term.

You certainly appear "cultured" (thats a just a word I use) to assign anybody I see or hear about as being more like myuself.

perhaps you should make the effort to change the places you hang out to perhaps get inwith a differnt crowd for a change......or would that be to much do you think.

I don't think it helps you to see yourself as a sex object that "these particular" men can usde you like that........it's not good for you LT weelbeing i think. Maybe I'm being prudish.

- Response by spadeace, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Who Cares?

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Stop giving away little pieces of yourself to these guys. They don't deserve you as a regular friend let alone a fwb. Yes, your having sex too soon, wait! You have more to offer than sex I read everything at the end of your post! *hugs

- Response by easyjolene, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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You are given that role because you accept that role. First of all, have some self confidence and don't let men use you for sex. Second, once you are someone's FB, you will never become more to them. Third, don't sleep with anyone until you are in a real relationship.

- Response by castle5, A Guy Critical, Male, 29-35, Chicago, Who Cares?

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If you agree to be a FWB, your agreeing to be a plaything. Quit giving out the milk for free if you want someone to take care of the cow. Lol. Don't let stupid guys take advantage of you. Your an attractive woman and if all those things are true I'm sure you can find a good guy. Maybe your looking in the wrong places? Or maybe your attracted to emotionally unavaliable men. Why don't you try going on a date with someone who isn't your normal cup of tea and see what happens?

- Response by horsepowerjunky, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 29-35

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Well, in your very avatar pic, you appear to be ready to pull down your top and let us all have a gander, so if this is any evidence of how you live your life on a day to day basis, guys MIGHT think that you're easy enough to get the sex from, but that they don't wanna' "risk" having the relationship with you, because they're scared you might cheat on them.....

- Response by bytor, A Rebel, Male, 46-55, Pittsburgh, Artist / Musician / Writer

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I feel just like you!! If you figure out this bullshit game of theirs let me know. They fall in love with the town whore and marry hey but a nice real good woman cannot get a break.WTF

- Response by Female, 46-55

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you are beautiful, who wouldnt want to have sex with you if they didnt have to be in a relationship to have it

- Response by methebe, A Hip Hop Guy, Male, 36-45, Milwaukee, Executive

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Yes. Stop having sex with them when you are not in a relationship. Why would they want a relationship from you when they can get the sex without the commitment?

- Response by beanielou, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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DEMAND MORE! Assert yourself not only in word but in action. Take a steand for what you want, seek what you want, do not compromise yourself and you will have what you want. Be patient.

- Response by boggob, A Guy Critical, Male, 29-35, Political / Government

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you sound like a real find to me hang in there the rite man will come along. peace

- Response by phl768, A Career Man, Male, 46-55, Philadelphia, Who Cares?

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I think you are giving in to sex too soon in the relationship. You should wait at least 2 or 3 weeks, for both of you to get to know each others minds. Then if the feeling is mutual, get to know each others bodies.

- Response by bob49, A Rebel, Male, 56-65, Seattle, Transportation

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It's nothing wrong with you, don't even question that! you have a rather limited choice of men there, you list a few and then say what you think of each one but those are not the only men in the world and i notice also that you have had these men in your life for a long time so maybe it's time to widen that social circle and meet up with not just random guys but guys with whom you share interests and lufe-goals, you deserve much better than the immature selection you have already got, try new things, embrace new environments and new types of people and I'm am sure you will find what you are looking for

- Response by nico88, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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It could be that you are moving too quickly into a sexual relationship with these men and they 'assume' that since you are willing to sleep with them sooner than most women, they will keep you around for just that purpose...try taking things slower, get to know the men better and give them a chance to see what a great person you really are before you sleep with them...:)

- Response by fastball, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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Theres been guys wanting you just as a fuckbuddy? FUCK. that is shitty.
your way to cute.

- Response by hockeykid666, A Guy Critical, Male, 26-28, Toronto, Student

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Ok playette, here's the deal

What r u looking for?

sex? or relationship?

You set the tone.

Males display and females select.

There's nothing wrong with fucking, but if you want more, then you have to tell the men you fuck what you want.

If they freak, then you have to decide whether or not to cut them off and move on or not.

playa1 out

- Response by playa1, A Player, Male, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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If you had friendship with benefits with four men what did you get. Your teaching taught you wrong thing. if you think the men were giving you models you tought it wrong. But why are you complaining? You still have your fiendship. But you call yourself a cool mom. That is what I've issue with. Are an unmarried mon? Is the kid the child of one of the men? I hope the child does not know his/her mom is getting screwed by men all the time and I hope he can't count yet.

- Response by A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55

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To each is their own but that is too much..there are so many diseases out there and to be sleep with your Man and then your FWB..the outcome can never be good from that. Think better of yourself. You deserve more than that.

- Response by debski, Female, 36-45, Detroit, Science / Engineering

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